The desert changes everything
by MajandraNova
Summary: While Sara is lying underneath the car waiting for rescue she has to keep her mind busy to prevent passing out. As she is musing about her life she is getting weaker and weaker. Will the team find her alive or will the desert have changed everything? GSR
1. Chapter 1

**The desert changes everything**

**Chapter 1**

**Disclaimer:** CSI and it's characters are not mine. What a pity.

**Spoilers**: up to Living Doll

**Summary:** While Sara is lying underneath the car waiting for rescue she has to keep her mind busy to prevent passing out. As she is musing about a lot of things she is getting weaker and weaker. Will the team find her alive or will the desert have changed everything? GSR.

**A/N: **The first chapter is Saras POV. Following chapters will probably not be in her POV. Which could of course be because she's dead. Who knows.

For those of you who have read "Until I find you", the first chapter is at the same time like UIFY. For those of you who haven't read it, don't worry, it is not necessary for this story, though it explains how the team figures out where Sara is.

* * *

It was cold. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt that cold. And the coldness wouldn't go away. There was nothing she could do against it. When she had started to feel the chill she had thought about nice warm beaches, a warm open fire, his strong arms wrapped around her but in the end nothing worked. She couldn't just imagine the freezing temperature away. 

Moving her bodily parts to warm them up was also not an option, the car squeezing her tightly to the ground made it impossible to move her body just an inch. The only part of her body she could move was her hand with which she was clinging to the mud.

And then realization struck her, her legs were not freezing, in fact, she didn't feel them at all. Desperately she tried to move them, feel them. She wanted to use her free hand to pinch herself but it was impossible to reach underneath the car, where her legs were stuck.

So she was cold, she didn't feel the lower part of her body and it became more and more difficult not to pass out.

Outside it was raining and the wetness began creeping up her entire body. A shiver went trough her.

_Great. This is really great. What did I do to deserve this?_

And then she thought of how the hell did she ended up here, lying trapped underneath a car, unable to free herself with her own force, being totally dependent on the ability of the others to find her. It was not that she didn't trust them but being an independent woman she was not used to not being able to help herself. So that was it, her life depended on her team. She trusted this team with her life but would they really be able to find her before it was too late.

She hadn't been conscious when Natalie took her here but so much she had understood from the ride, she wasn't in a place easily to be found.

She couldn't help but think that Natalie had left her here to die and that her team was running against time. With every part of her body she felt that she wouldn't endure the cold wetness for much longer. They had to find her soon.

Once again she tried with all her strength to free herself but it was in vain. The car above her didn't move at all.

So all that was left for her to to was think. Her musings were the only thing that kept her from drifting off into unconsciousness.

_Without you within me I can't find no rest. Why are you not here to protect me? I really need you now. Just to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright. You have such a calming way of talking to me. When I'm upset it is you that soothes me. Like two months ago, when I received her letter._

And with that her thoughts went from her lover to the overpowering female figure that had floated like a dark cloud over her whole life and had had, ultimately, the most effect on the way she was now.

_Maybe I should have answered the letter right away. I told myself that I'd reply one day. When I'd be able to deal with it better. But when will be that day? When I'm completely without feelings about what she's done? That will never happen. Just as well I could have written the letter right away. It is not that I hate her or blame her for anything, so that isn't keeping me from writing. I'm also not mad at her for losing touch or for leaving me alone when I was so young. I have dealt with all of those things a long time ago and I am okay with it._

_The truth is, I just don't know what to tell her. There are so many things that have never been said, so many words unspoken, where should I start?_

_Dear mother, thank you for your letter, I am fine. For now 7 years I have been working at the Las Vegas Crime Lab and it is what I want to to in my life, get justice for the innocent. And guess what, I also found love. I am in a relationship now and the guy is treating me nice._

_No, really, I couldn't write such a letter. That would be completely ignoring our family history. It isn't my style, either. But if I started to write about my feelings, I'm afraid I'd never stop. So I really don't know what to write her. Maybe I should go and see her. Tell her in person that I have forgiven her a long time ago, that I even understand why she did it._

All of a sudden the rain intensified and a new set of shiverings went through Sara. She didn't want her thoughts to go into that direction but the freezing reminded her to intensely of the time when she and Grissom hadn't been together. She had been freezing at night a lot back then.

_Why do I do this to me? I don't want to think about the past. About when you rejected me. This was a long time ago. But I still can remember it like it was yesterday. I finally had found the courage to ask you out and you said no. My heart broke then and there. I tried to go on like I never knew you. Which was impossible because you were my boss and I saw you each night. As unlikely as it seemed, this made my heart break even more. To see you every day, to see what I couldn't get, to be reminded every day of that painful rejection._

_When we finally got together you said you were sorry about having been so cruel to me and I said that it was okay, long forgotten. You seemed very relieved and never gave me an explanation of why you rejected me in the first place. And I never asked you. After all I had told you that it was no big deal. But to be true, it has always been a big deal for me. Sometimes I still lie awake at night and wonder what was going through you back then and what made you change your mind. But I'm to proud to ask._

_Which is another thing that bothers me. I always thought that in healthy adult relationships childish things like pride are replaced by completely being at ease with each other. And now it seems that both our pride is still the same. So many times it is keeping us from getting closer and I wonder why we do that to each other. Why can't we just give up this masquerade and just be honest? Though this is disturbing me, in the past I couldn't get me to give up my own pride, not until your pride is going down with mine._

Sara had no idea how long she was already stuck underneath this car but as her body was becoming weaker and weaker she sensed that a lot of time had passed already. She felt like her senses were getting blurred. She was losing her strength. Was this a helicopter she was hearing?

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**The desert changes everything**

**Chapter 2**

**Disclaimer:** CSI and it's characters are not mine. What a pity.

**Spoilers**: up to Living Doll

**Summary:** While Sara is lying underneath the car waiting for rescue she has to keep her mind busy to prevent passing out. As she is musing about a lot of things she is getting weaker and weaker. Will the team find her alive or will the desert have changed everything? GSR.

**A/N: **Sorry for the mistakes. Be sure that I am mentally punishing me for them.

* * *

Sara tried once again to lift her head but was unable to do so. Frustrated she dug her hand deeper into the mud. No, there was no helicopter. Her mind was already beginning to play tricks on her. She couldn't allow herself to pass out. That would be the beginning of the end. She just had to hold on a little bit longer, her team would find her soon enough. 

_My team. Sometimes it seems like they are my family. In fact, they are the only people I rely on, the only people that I trust. And they trust me. They trust me to endure this torture long enough till they find me. I can't let them down._

_Although they, except for Grissom, have no idea about my private life they know me pretty well. They learned to read me. Which is why I am really surprised that they didn't notice how worn down by everything I have been the last weeks. Really, nobody seemed to have a clue of how much all the cases were getting to me. Am I such a good actress? Maybe._

_In fact, I didn't want to worry them. When I first started to have the nightmares from work I thought it was just a phase. But they wouldn't go away and soon enough I had to concentrate very hard at work not to scream out loud in frustration._

_I mean, I love my job. Science is my passion. And with my passion I can help bringing justice to the world but lately I have been wondering if my little contribution is really having an effect at all. I don't see the world changing. On the contrary, every crime seems to be more cruel than the one before. And then there are the cases where we cannot find enough evidence to put the bad guy away and we have to explain to the family of the victim that that's the way how our justice system is working. I am not criticizing the system. It is important to base a judgement on evidence, but sometimes it is so frustrating to see the prep walking away._

_Gosh, all of this is really making me sick lately. I think I should take a vacation to get away from things for a while, to free my mind. We, Grissom and me, could take a trip to California, but that man just doesn't see that there's something wrong with me. He has been so occupied with the miniature killer, hahaha, the miniature killer, that sometimes I really wondered if he still sees me._

_After they find me, we could go on a vacation. That would be nice. Just him and me. Leaving all our problems behind and stock up on energy for the future._

Sara let out a sigh.

_Oh, Grissom, are you looking for me? I am sure you are. Are you missing me? Something tells me that you are. I wonder just how much you are missing me. I miss you a lot. It would be a lot easier lying here with you being next to me_.

A new chill went through Sara. She was getting weaker by the minute. And the rain wouldn't stop. She started coughing which cost her almost all the energy that she had left.

_If you don't come soon, it might be too late. I might be gone. Without being able to say good-bye. Will you miss me forever if I am leaving now? Or will you just go back to her?_

_Oh, damn, I didn't just think that. I swore to myself to let that topic rest but it seems I can't get it out of my head. I tried so hard not to be jealous of her, I even told you that it was okay to go and see her but in the end it ripped my heart apart to know you were with her. My brain was telling me that you would never cheat on me, that you were just friends but my heart was aching. I have never been the jealous type but imagining you in the same room with her makes me want to scream._

For a moment Sara lost track of her thoughts. She sucked in air heavily and heard her own gasping. She realized that she wasn't freezing anymore. And when exactly had she stopped feeling the weight of the car pressing onto her body? She closed her eyes for some seconds but as she began to drift away she popped them open again. She had to stay conscious. To stay conscious she had to think. It took her some seconds to collect her thoughts, but then she knew what she had been thinking about.

_I told you that I am not jealous, I even got myself to believe it and now what happens? I am lying underneath a car in the desert and I am thinking of you and her. Did you ever love her? Do you love her now? Were you ever more than friends?_

_I promised to let go of it, but I can't. It is driving me crazy. In my weakest moments it even makes me doubt your love for me. After you went to see her the last time I went so far as to question our relationship. The one thing that is truly sacred to me. I wondered if we ever could get over all of our problems._

_I can't let my insecurities ruin what we have. So I prayed for this heart to be unbroken. Because without you all I am going to be is incomplete._

_I don't want to give up this relationship. I like being with you. It gives me more than you can imagine. I am not doubting that we should be together._

Although Sara didn't admit it to herself, there was doubt inside of her heart. A small spark that had emerged from problems they had struggled with in the past. And doubt is a dangerous seed that is growing in secrecy until it is so big that you cannot ignore it anymore and it controls every aspect of your relationship. But Sara was sure she wasn't in doubt about her relationship to Grissom. After all it was what she had wanted for so many years. It was what made her happy.

_Voices tell me that I should carry on._

The weakness was becoming overpowering. Sara wasn't even able anymore to lift up her head. With trembling fingers she tried to make a fist around the mud but her hand wouldn't oblige her anymore.

_Help_.

Sara couldn't hear her own voice.

_Help_.

No, that was just the voice inside her head screaming. Slowly her eyelids were shutting her down visually from the world. Sara tried to fight it, but despite all her effort her eyes didn't open anymore.

There it was again. The sound of a helicopter. Her mind was playing games with her again.

_Shut up. That noise in my head is driving me crazy._

All of a sudden it was quiet again. Sara was relieved. Now she could go in peace. She didn't even fight the thought anymore to be so near to the end. She was too weak to care. She breathed in.

_Grissom, you know that I love you._

Slowly she let out the last air before complete darkness surrounded her.

Her mind was already far away when only seconds later someone threw himself into the mud in front of the car and took her cold hand.

* * *

**A/N: **Alright, I said only the first chapter would be Saras POV. I lied. Sorry. I just didn't want to tell too much about this chapter. For the next chapter you'll have to wait one week because I'm going on vacation. But please let me know in the meantime what you thought about the story so far.  



	3. Chapter 3

**The desert changes everything**

**Chapter 3**

Grissom had seen many dead faces in his life so it wasn't difficult for him to recognize the paleness in hers as the result of the kiss of death. He almost couldn't take the sight of the snow-white color of her face that didn't distinguish her from all the bodies lying in the cold morgue of their workplace.

Despite the lack of life in her features she remained a beautiful woman. In his eyes she was still the most attractive human being he'd ever seen. He let his eyes linger on the white sheets that covered her almost entirely. The cloth was hiding the many bruises that disfigured her once so well formed body completely now.

Grissom reached out to grab her hand. He needed touch her although he knew perfectly well that she wouldn't, that she couldn't respond.

He squeezed her hand. It was just as cold as it had been when he had found her.

Exhaustion was creeping over him. The uncounted hours that he had spent sitting by her side had drawn all the power out of him. The others had said that he should go home, get some rest, that it was useless sitting here but Grissom wasn't able to leave her alone in this cold, sterile room.

Yes, she probably was not there with him but could anybody blame him for feeling closest to her being next to her cold body wondering where her mind was?

He couldn't help but blame himself, blame his team for not finding her in time to prevent the worst. If the just had worked a little harder, a little faster she might be kissing him right now. Had they really done enough to find her?

Remorse pained him as he slowly stroked her lifeless hand and told her over and over again "I'm sorry, I am so sorry." until he drifted off into a restless sleep.

He woke up with a start when he sensed pain going trough his hand. It felt like a set of nails being pushed into his flesh.

And then he heard it, the desperate gasp for fresh air.

He looked up in surprise just as the upper part of her body bent forward and her eyelids popped open only to reveal eyes that stared back at him in shock.

"Sara," he said, "Sara!"

* * *

**A/N: **If you really read so far despite all of my mistakes, thank you!!!! And if you take the time to review, I'd be eternally grateful. Anyway, I'm back from my vacation, the story is completely written, just needs to be edited so expect the following chapters to be uploaded within the next two or three days. 


	4. Chapter 4

**The desert changes everything**

**Chapter 4**

**A/N: **In chapters 1 & 2 as well as in the following chapters appear a few quotes from songs of the Backstreet Boys because I used their songs to get inspired.

Again, I am sorry for all my mistakes. But actually there should be less now because while I was on vacation I studied English grammar (imagine lying on an Italian beach with an English grammar book, yuck) to prepare for an upcoming exam. Maybe it worked.

**Disclaimer:** The Backstreet Boys songs are also not mine.

* * *

Another gasp. 

It seemed like she hadn't breathed in a lifetime.

And then everything went normal.

Grissom desperately wanted to say something and just as he finally figured out what to say a whole bunch of doctors and nurses came running into the room. They checked all the machines, checked her body functions and even asked her a few questions about her well-being. Sara replied with short, simple answers while never breaking eye contact with Grissom.

He couldn't quite put a finger on the expression in her eyes. It wasn't shock anymore. There was definitely love in her look but the overwhelming element seemed to be an expression that said 'This is not where I thought I was going to be.'

Sara searched his eyes for answers but all she could see was relief and tenderness. What the hell was going on? The last thing she remembered was letting out her last breath before slipping to the other side. And now she was lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by medical staff while Grissom was looking at her as if he hadn't expected to ever see her again.

If she hadn't been such a rational person she would have thought that she just had returned from the dead. But that was not possible, was it?

What is going on? She asked Grissom with her eyes.

For the first time he broke eye contact and watched the disturbing others leave. He took a deep breath and sighed.

"God, Sara, I thought I'd never see you again."

Now she realized how worn down he looked.

"When we found you, you had already passed out. Only seconds later your heart stopped beating. They performed CPR right away but it took them some time to bring you back. You remained unconscious."

Was that a tear running down his cheek?

"The doctors told me that you probably wouldn't wake up again. They said that because of the lack of oxygen when your heart stopped it was highly possible that your brain was damaged too much. They said you wouldn't come back to me."

Sara wiped away the single tear with her thumb.

"It's okay, honey. I am back."

Grissom rested his head on her bed and let out another sigh. They both remained in silence. Sara still had many questions. How was it possible that she woke up? She didn't feel any brain damage but was there any? Was Natalie behind bars? But she decided to let the questions rest for now. She was alive, that was all that mattered.

For a long time they just sat there watching each other savoring the undisturbed one-on-one time they finally had. They were comfortable not saying anything. Their eyes and hands could manage all the communication better than words.

After a while Sara drifted off into a deep sleep again and when she woke up Grissom still sat there holding her hand. She blinked a few times and then smiled at him. For Grissom this smile meant the world. It couldn't make the paleness of her face go away but now he knew her spirits were coming back again, too.

"How are you?" Sara thought about the question for a moment.

"I'm awake but my world his half asleep." Grissom have her a questioning look.

"So many questions, so many uncertainties. So many things unsaid, so many things undone." Although he tried, Grissom couldn't hide his concern. What was bothering Sara?

"But I'm happy, too. Happy to be alive. Happy that you are here with me. Happy to have you."

Slowly she lowered her head to kiss his hand and as her lips brushed his skin a shiver went trough him. After that he turned his head away and looked out of the window. Really slowly, as if to trick her into not realizing it, he winced his hand out of her grip and put it into one of his famous contemplative gestures in front of his mouth.

Sara wondered if she'd already said too much. Talking about feelings with Grissom was always tricky and maybe her admission that she was happy to have him had put a start to a new set of Grissom-typic doubts. Damn, with him nothing had changed.

"It's written on your face. You still wonder if we made a big mistake." She let out a sigh. "You are sitting here because you think you are obliged to do so. You think you owe it to me. The truth is you would rather be far, far away. You don't want to deal with this. You never wanted to deal with the consequences of a relationship. Listen, you owe me nothing. You found me. I am grateful for that. But now you're free to go."

And without wanting it there it was again. Doubt. She didn't even know why she'd said this. A wave of emotions had just taken over for a moment. She loved this man more than anything else, she didn't want him to go.

"That is not the truth. The truth is …" It was hard for him to go on but when Sara had been missing he'd sworn to himself to be truthful to her. For the first time in his life he would talk about the way he felt. Slowly. At his pace.

"Looking back on the things I've done, I realize I always kept you in the dark. Now let me show you what is really going on in my heart."

"Grissom."

"No, don't! Let me finish this. I have thought about it a lot while you were missing. And now I'm here with my confession. I have nothing to hide no more. I just, I just, " he was struggling with the right words "I don't know where to start."

Sara was totally taken aback by Grissom's words. Was this the Grissom she had known for so long? For a moment she thought about the doubts she had had in the desert. She hadn't forgotten about them. The desert changes everything. Maybe not only for her, but also for him.

"Sara, I love you. I have loved you for such a long time that I don't even know anymore how it is not to love you. I know I haven't really shown you in the past but being you with you has made me happier than I ever thought I could be. When people are together for a while feelings usually settle down or weaken a little bit but I am still in love with you like on the first day."

Sara wanted to say something but Grissom signed her to hold on. He still had more to say.

"I love you more than my life. I should have told you this so much earlier. Sara, you are the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. In the past I have loved you desperately, silently but now I will love you more than that. And I won't say the words, then take them back. I will tell you every day so you never doubt it."

To seal his words Grissom leaned forward and kissed Sara gently yet passionately. Tears were running down her cheeks. This was more than she'd ever expected. This was definitely not the old Grissom.

After the kiss Sara didn't say anything for a long time. She tried to bring together Grissom's confession with all the different feelings and thoughts she had. Finally she spoke out loud the only truth she knew for sure.

"I love you, too, with all my heart. I have never loved anyone so much."

That was all she was able to say for the moment. Her heart, her head were overwhelmed with emotions and there was no way she could pronounce them now. After a while, though, she had to add another truth.

"Grissom, I need you to know that no matter the distance, you are the one and only love for me."

Grissom, who had been rather satisfied with his own words and her reaction to them startled. "What do you want to say with that?"

Sara hadn't thought about the effect her last words could have, she just had wanted him to know that no matter what, she'd love him. But now she questioned the meaning herself. Before she could find an answer for herself and for Grissom there was a knock at the door. Catherine stuck her head in. "Can we come in?"

After everybody had hugged Sara they were all standing around her bed telling her how glad they were that she was awake and well.

Sara desperately wanted to know how they had found her but before she had a chance to ask, Catherine made a comment that she wasn't prepared for at all.

"We would have come to see you earlier but we thought we'd give the two of you some time alone."

While everybody else was grinning, Sara directed a confused look at Grissom who was staring at his hands with all his concentration.

"What do you mean? Why would we want to be alone?"

Grissom still seemed fascinated by his hands. Obviously he didn't want to answer the question. And he didn't need to because Catherine was too eager to answer.

"You don't need to hide anymore, Sara. Grissom told us." The others nodded.

Sara tried her best to keep her facial expression neutral and not to look shocked. At last Grissom reacted.

"That's true, honey. It kind of slipped out of me when I realized why Natalie was doing this to you. I'm sorry." With that he took her hand and kissed her cheek.

Sara, still not knowing what to think of the just revealed information, waited a few seconds, then changed the subject. "How did you find me, anyway?"

One after another reported what they had found out about her possible location. Brass summed it up. "Together we narrowed it down to two possible locations but it wasn't until Grissom came up with his information when we knew where exactly you were. He had locked himself in his office and had stared at the miniatured until he found the final clue that led us to you."

Grissom was slightly embarrassed. He wasn't particularly proud of just sitting in his office and staring at the miniature while the others had been doing field work. But nobody noticed this. They all thought of his contribution as the case breaker. And Sara seemed grateful.

"We all hope you're back at work soon," Greg said. Sara just smiled in return. She really didn't know what to say to this.

They talked about some other things, laughed and after some time a nurse came to lead them out because Sara needed to rest. Even Grissom had to leave the room and did so unwillingly after a discussion with the nurse. Sara almost instantly fell asleep. She was exhausted.

When Sara woke up she was still alone in the room. She had no clue how long she had been sleeping but she didn't feel very relaxed. Almost immediately a gush of thoughts and worries came over her. She was glad to be alone. That way she could think about the things that were going through her mind.

There were so many matters to consider. For a long time she thought about her life so far, especially her time in Vegas, her time with the one person she loved more than anything. Then she thought again about her being trapped underneath that car and what had been going trough her head then. Finally she though about the things that had happened since she woke up in that hospital bed.

Sara couldn't deal with all those emotions any more and without even realizing it she started to cry.

She had been crying silently for a while when she heard Grissom's voice in front of the door. Not hesitating she wiped away the tears and forced a smile on her face. Grissom entered the room.

"Hi honey, how are you?"

"I am fine."

As he got closer, worry appeared on his face. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I am fine."

He sat down by her side and took her hand. "I can see that you've been crying."

She shook her head.

"What's the use in you denying? Honey, please, tell me what is wrong?"

Sara sighed. She didn't know where to start. There were so many reasons. But sooner or later she had to talk to him. "I don't know. I am confused. It's everything and it's nothing. It's my life, it's the accident, it's us, it's the others knowing …"

She was searching for more words but Grissom interfered first. "So I wasn't mistaken when I thought you didn't look very happy about the others knowing."

She couldn't deny that.

"Why is that? What has changed? You used to hate hiding it from them."

"I know. But now it is different."

"What is different?"

"It is different because it makes things more complicated. More difficult for you."

Grissom didn't understand a word of what his girlfriend was saying. "I don't understand."

A tear was running down her cheek. She wiped it away and looked out of the window. Grissom was still staring at her. After a while of silence she spoke again.

"Now I can see that we're falling apart from the way that it used to be."

Momentarily Grissom was shocked. Then he knew it. Sara was just afraid of what would become of them because they both had changed.

"Honey, we are not falling apart. We are not what we used to be because we are getting better. I am getting better. I am changing. You are changing. But together we are going to be something great. And I hope it won't be like it used to be because I was running from my feelings. I was shutting you out. And that will not happen again. We can be so much more now."

"No, Grissom, you don't understand. We are falling apart because I am leaving Las Vegas."

* * *

**A/N2: **Okay, I have to say this now. If you think Grissom is over the top romantic and sappy in this chapter, give me (give the man) a break, his girlfriend almost died and that made him realize just hom much he loves her. It changed him and now he tries to express his feelings. I think this is actually possible after such a tragedy. But that's just my opinion. Feel free to disagree. 


	5. Chapter 5

**The desert changes everything**

**Chapter 5**

**Disclaimer:** Okay, by now everybody already knows that I don't own CSI or the Backstreet Boys lyrics.

**A/N: **Sorry for the missing rulers (is this the right word?) in the last chapter, I only noticed now that they disappeared in the transference process. But I guess everybody was smart enough to figure out when a new scene began anyway :)

* * *

"Sara, honey, do you have everything?" With his blue eyes Grissom was searching the hospital room for anything they might have forgotten to pack. 

"Yeah, I think that's everything." Sara first took her little purse and then her crutches. Slowly she started to limp to the door. "Let's leave this place. Finally."

After spending 6 weeks in the hospital she was glad to be able to leave on her own feet. She was still a little weak but with the crutches she managed to do pretty much everything on her own by now.

Sara had told Grissom that she could make her way home alone perfectly well but he had insisted on taking her. He wouldn't stop taking care of her. Even after she had said that she'd be leaving Las Vegas. But she had been confused when she said this. Grissom didn't really believe it.

After she'd said it he had wanted to ask her why she was saying such a horrible thing but almost immediately a nurse came running into the room destroying the privacy. Sara's heart rate had gone up alarmingly and needed to be checked. When they were alone once more the topic didn't come up again.

And after that things just went to normal. They were Grissom and Sara, happily together. There was no need to discuss what obviously had been the confusion of a moment.

* * *

As Grissom led Sara into her apartment she had a strange feeling. It was weird being in this place again after such a long time. Grissom sensed that she was uncomfortable. 

"You'll feel home again soon enough." Sara just nodded.

They put away her stuff and after a short while Sara felt tired. Her boyfriend helped her into bed and invited himself to sleep at her place, too, like in old times. Sara had rather spent the night alone but she didn't have the courage to tell him so she let him settle down next to her.

All night she was throwing herself from one side to another in an uneasy sleep. When she woke up driven by a decision Grissom was still asleep. She stayed there watching him for some time thinking about how much she loved this man. Finally he woke up.

"Good morning," he whispered.

All she could say was, "We need to talk."

* * *

"I'm giving up the apartment by the end of the month." 

Silence. Although they'd been together for quite a long time now and the whole abduction thing had changed everything Grissom wasn't sure what to think of this. Slowly he put his doubts into words.

"Don't you think that's a little, uhm, fast. I mean, shouldn't we have talked about moving in together before actually doing it?"

He pronounced everything very careful because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. He was released when there was no sign of anger or disappointment in her face.

"Grissom, I'm not moving in with you," she said patiently.

"Oh!" A part of him was released but another part was also disappointed.

"I am leaving Vegas."

There it was again. But this time she didn't seem confused at all.

"What do you mean?" Maybe she was just taking a sabbatical like he had done last year.

"I can't stay any longer in Las Vegas. This city, everything here is wearing me down. If I stay, I'll soon be nothing more than an empty, emotionless shell."

"Honey, this feeling will go away. You are just under a lot of stress because of what has happened to you. Soon everything will be fine again." He reached out for her hand as they were sitting on her sofa but she shook it off.

"No, it won't go away because it was already there before Natalie did this to me. What happened to me just gave me the courage to take a decision."

Grissom was shocked. He had noticed that Sara had been a little depressed in the hospital but until now he had thought that it was the effect of the abduction. Never had he suspected that she had been unhappy for a longer time.

"So what's wrong? Maybe we can sort things out?"

"My job is depressing me more and more, I don't have any friends outside from work which all wouldn't be that bad, I could change that but …. But what I can't change is that this relationship is not really working out …"

Grissom stared at her in disbelief.

"I thought we were doing pretty fine. Don't you love me anymore?"

"I love you." She had to go for it all now or he would never understand her. "But I keep wondering how can it be you're asking me to feel things you never show?!"

"I did show you!"

"When?"

"In the hospital."

She was slightly annoyed. "Grissom, that was one time. ONE time. I need, I needed more. And it was too late, anyway. The damage was already too big."

"You just gave up on us?"

"I prayed for my heart to be unbroken. I prayed so much. I tried to forget everything. I tried to forget the rejections. I tried to live without explanations and declarations of affection. I tried to ignore Heather and I tried to live with the fact that work will always be your first choice. I tried because I love you so much. And it worked for a while. It worked until my heart finally broke."

She had tears in her eyes. Grissom had to hold back his own. He knew that he had made many mistakes in the past but somehow he had always hoped that she could forgive him. So ultimately her attempts had failed and the time to pay for his mistakes seemed to have come.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and pulled her into a careful embrace. She didn't object to his touch.

* * *

Sara was standing in front of her apartment complex and looked at the place that she had called home for the last seven years. Five minutes ago she had handed back her keys to the landlord and now she was waiting for Grissom to pick her up and bring her to the airport. He had insisted on taking her there and she hadn't been able to deny his wish. 

Nervously she played with the picture frame containing a group picture the team had given her for her good-bye. It had been a very emotional departure. They all had been shocked when she had told them that she'd leave Vegas but after she explained to them that she would take over the family B&B back in California one after another wished her good luck. Sara wondered if they would keep their promises to visit her there some day.

She hadn't told them, though, that before trying to re-open the long closed business of her parents she was going to visit her mother. She felt like it was time to close some chapters of her past together with her. She was now ready to face to the woman that gave birth to her.

So far for her plans. What Sara still didn't know was what she was going to do without Grissom. She was afraid that without him she would never find any rest, that she would always feel incomplete.

Once again, while feeling so overwhelmed by her emotions, she repeated to herself, "What's the use in holding on? Don't you see it's now or never?" And this made her remember that she couldn't stay here, not for the sake of a relationship that didn't make her happy anymore. She had to move on and try to find happiness somewhere else. If she didn't do it now, she'd be stuck in this situation forever.

In that moment Grissom's car pulled up. Sara shook off her thoughts and prepared mentally for the last moments with him.

He got out of the car and they put her suitcases into the trunk. They entered the car and began the journey in silence.

Since she had announced her departure to him four weeks ago they hadn't talked much. Grissom wasn't mad at her, he seemed to understand what was going on inside of her. An air of sadness was lying on him, though. And Sara couldn't deny that she was sad, too.

After a while he broke the silence.

"Tell me again why I can't be there where you are?"

"Because you and me together, that just doesn't work. I mean, we had some great moments but in the end it just didn't work out. At least not for me."

"I don't mean to drag it on but I can't just let you go. I can't imagine life without your love."

"I know. And I don't want to make you face this world alone but I don't see any other way. I have to think about my own happiness now."

"I wanna let you go." And whispering he added, "But it is so difficult. I think for the first time in my life I'm going to know what loneliness feels like."

"Don't say that. You'll forget me soon enough. And then you'll find somebody else."

"I don't need another lover," he replied like an obstinate school boy.

"Yeah, maybe you have already found her," she said with bitterness in her voice. Grissom wanted to reassure her that this was not the case but he knew that there was just no sense in fighting against Sara's hurt feelings so he just shut up and concentrated on driving.

A few minutes later they arrived a the airport. Grissom parked the car and wanted to get out but Sara stopped him.

"Please, don't come in. It will make things more difficult."

They remained in silence for some time, then Sara leaned over to hug Grissom warmly. Before she pulled back she placed a short, loving kiss on his lips. As she was about to get out of the car his hand on her arm stopped her. She looked into his sad blue eyes.

"It's not too late to change your mind."

A hint of emotions flickered through her eyes.

"Please, try to forgive me. Stay here, don't put out the glow!"

For a spit second she seemed to consider his words, then she pulled away.

"Good-bye, Grissom."

She shut the door, took her luggage and started walking away. As soon as she turned around the first corner tears started flowing down her face.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you," he whispered while it slowly got to him that she had really left him, that the desert ultimately changes everything.

**The end**

* * *

**A/N2: ** Yes, this is the end. I understand that it is not a satisfying GSR fluff happily ever after ending but while thinking about what they could do to Sara on the show the idea just stuck in my head. What if she doesn't die, what if she survives but leaves Las Vegas, wouldn't that be just as horrible? So I HAD to write a story about it. It is NOT what I want to happen. I do hope that in two days we'll get some fluff after all :)**  
**


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